The Dark Side of the Cookie
by kadu ka
Summary: Ichigo feared that in his worst nightmares Grimmjow would be there, screaming 'TEA, TEA, TEA' in the melody of Psycho. - mild crack-fic, T for language, oneshot


Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach and I don't get money.

A/N: Small, silly fic whose only purpose is to make the reader crack a smile. Hope, you'll enjoy! :)

* * *

Ichigo sat nervously on a random roof ridge, fidgeting every now and then and giving his unused Zanpakutou a longing glance. He asked himself again – the sixteenth time during the last thirty minutes – what , oh what had went wrong.

"—and then that always creepy smile. Fuck, lower Arrancar always shit their pants seeing it, but it's so fuckin' annoying! Every time, I would need just one little push until—"

Yeah, Ichigo sat there the last thirty minutes hearing _that_.

"—drink our tea first,' he said, and forcing us all to gulp down that crap. I hate tea. I _hate_ tea. I hate _tea_. _I_—"

And Grimmjow got to _that_ conclusion every three minutes. Ichigo feared that, in his worst nightmares, Grimmjow would be there, screaming 'TEA, TEA, TEA' in the melody of Psycho. He got goosebumps.

"—hell is so good about that stuff anyway! How about giving us some real drinks; at least I would be able to drown out his fuckin' voice—"

Ichigo thought about drinking himself. After another longing glance to Zangetsu – oh, how he sought after a real good fight – he turned back to Grimmjow, seeing him gesturing wildly to his cursing, cussing, complaining – can't the guy shut up, for God's sake?

"—swear, next time, I am forced to get that stuff down my throat I'll run amok around this fucking city. Aizen will see what had—"

"Wo-woah! Grimmjow!" Ichigo intervened hastily, gulping at the death glare of Grimmjow for being interrupted. "That's...a bit harsh, isn't it?"

The Arrancar clenched his jaw, jumping forward, caught the surprised Ichigo by the collar and shoved his face into the latter's face. "I'd like to see you after my daily torture."

"Why don't you add sugar to your tea?" An incredulous look. "You know? The tiny crystals making things taste sweet...?" The blue eyes narrowed. "Just a suggestion," Ichigo managed to say meekly.

After fearing Grimmjow might shop him and use his dry shopped corpse as tea substituted 'Ichigo'-flavored (no pun intended), Ichigo didn't understand why he was rummaging through the cabinets of his kitchen with a deadly Arrancar sitting in his neck. Giving him some sugar to taste, his face merely cringed and he spat the sugar-saliva-mixture into the sink.

Sweating like a pig (because Grimmjow was about to blow up his house, including every occupant), he looked for something – _anything_ – else that had a chance of being for the Arrancar's liking.

He laughed triumphantly, pulling one of his secret sweets supply out of a secret place. Grinning, he offered Grimmjow a whole wheat cookie covered half with dark chocolate.

"Try this," Ichigo shoved the cookie in Grimmjow's hands where it was mustered critically.

"It looks burned," Grimmjow complained and tried it nonetheless. He remained critical for about half a minute until he nodded his head in acceptance. "Not as bad as it looks like." The redhead grumbled in the other corner. Ungrateful dick... "Just tell me, how this crumble thingy'll solve my problem?"

Ichigo took a cup with freshly made tea with one hand and a cookie with the other, ditch the latter into the first and ate the whole mess.

The reaction he got was a disgusted look of the Arrancar. "You're sick," he declared, grabbed one cookie and did the same procedure. Rolling the watery-tea-drenched-chocolate-cookie thing in his mouth, he gulped it down with one sip of the remaining tea, waiting for a puking motion. Nothing happened.

A maniacal laughter erupted, echoing through the whole neighborhood. "Muahaha! Victory is mine! Take that, Aizen-bastard!"

Being left alone in the kitchen, Ichigo's left eye brow twitched, and - with a raising headache - he headed off to his room. That night so did not happen.

* * *

"—but before discussing the next important matter, please let us have tea." Aizen smiled contently and watched his underlings each taking a cup and gulping down the liquid. Haaa, how family-like. That was, of course, until he heard slurping and smacking noise out of the back of the room. He raised an irritated eyebrow.

Oblivious to his surrounding, Grimmjow didn't even notice the silence from the other Espada as well as the pointed look from the boss himself.

"Grimmjow, care to explain what you are doing?"

Grimmjow hardly looked up and busied himself with his tea again. "Drinking tea," he deadpanned, dumping the next cookie into the tea. He didn't notice the disapproving glance of Aizen, but before the boss could have said anything, Nnoitra beat him to it.

"Oi, kitty, where did ya get those?" His small fingers crawled to the small plastic bag before Grimmjow brought his fist forcefully down on the delicate bones. "ARGH!"

"Hands off of my prey." Like a small child, Grimmjow collected all cookies behind his arms glaring at everyone.

"Well, Grimmjow, care to share your prey with your brothers and sisters?"

He snorted. "You mean, brothers and sissies," he corrected slapping an approaching hand of Barragan away.

"You dare, kid!" he hissed summoning reiatsu for a cero.

"Stop there, Barragan, no ceros at the dinning table!" Aizen frowned.

"Who are you calling a sissy?" Nnoitra snarled after the pain of his own hand ebbed away.

"It's not my fault you feel offended. And, goddamn it! Keep your hand by yourself!" he barked as – this time – Yammy tried his luck.

Rolling his eyes irritated, Ulquiorra snapped away the plastic bag with one swift movement. Grimmjow's jaw hit the table.

"You frickin' bastard! Give that back!" he screamed almost jumping over the table and pummeling that emo to the ground when Nnoitra fisted his hair and slammed his face on the tabletop, breaking his tea cup in the process.

He got barely enough time to shake off the dizzy feeling before smacking and humming noise filled the room.

"Whoa, delicious!" Szayzel licked his chocolate covered fingers, making popping sounds every time a digit left his mouth. Uliquiorra, despite having the facial expression of a rock, took another cookie and plopped it into his mouth. Halibel looked merely pissed, playing with the mask over her face (how the hell was she able to drink tea in the first place?)

"You bastards..." Grimmjow growled, although Nnoitra still hold him down on the table. "I'll fuckin' kill you all!"

"Grimmjow, no death threats at tea time, too!" Aizen scolded, after taking a cookie himself.

The sexta reconnected his face with the broken cup and could barely hold his sobs down.

* * *

Ichigo tiptoed into the pitch dark kitchen, feeling his way to his secret cupboard. After all it was time for his midnight snack, wasn't it? But before he could make two steps into the room, he was yanked by his collar and collided with the next wall.

"Shinigami," an all too familiar voice growled, making Ichigo panic and curse for leaving his shinigami badge in his room. However he wasn't ready to hear: "I need more cookies. _Now_!"

* * *

Grimmjow – already having heisted tea from the kitchen – barred his door and slumped to his bed. Rubbing his hands joyfully, he was about to take the new bag of sweets when the door burst into dust, revealing Ulquiorra saying one hateful word: "_Meeting_."

The hard surface of the stool rubbed over his butt, worsening the mood of Grimmjow as he almost helplessly saw how the other traitors abused his cookies.

"Say, kitty," Nnoitra snickered next to him, waving with a small cat-shaped cookie, "Where do you get those? Got a bitch in the human world or what?" A few of the Espadas snickered at the comment.

"Fuck off," Grimmjow snatched his own 'share' and ditching a heart-shaped cookie in the tea eating the soaked part.

"And what the hell are you doing with it! That's disgusting!" Couldn't they just keep their stupid mouth shut?

Gin hopped on his place, elbowing Tousen. "Look, Kaname. It has the shape of a bunny. Look!" Tousen grumbled, elbowing the Shinigami right back, took the damn bunny and crumbled it with a brute grip.

"Oi!" a voice hollered from the other end of the table "You dick, if you don't eat it, leave it to me, for fuck's sake!"

Nnoitra grinned evilly, handing a cookie to the fuming Grimmjow. "Here, then take mine."

Eying the thing disgustingly, he boxed the Quinto in the head. "It's covered in saliva, you big fuck!"

* * *

"Your friends are real sweet addicts, aren't they?" Yuzu smiled at her big brother surrounded by plates of cooling cookies and look-alike. "And they certainly are so dear to you that you make them treats so often."

_Dear_, Ichigo thought, nearly breaking the bowl with new dough in two. _Dear! That frickin' asshole and __**dear**__ of all things! Hope, he suffers adiposity_, he grumbled inwardly and ate his nth cookie that evening. _Or he chokes on it_.

Karin eyed the disaster called kitchen. "I bet Ichi-nii has no friends and eats all of them alone, that fatass."

That moment, Ichigo choked.

* * *

A tense silence.

Grimmjow looked smug enough for the others to know, something fishy was going on.

Hesitantly Szayzel took one of the soft – very soft – cookies and sniffed it suspiciously. Sweet. Butter. Chocolate. He took a bit. And spit it out the very next moment. "Urgh!"

Everyone gave Grimmjow a dirty glare. "What?" he said defensively, grabbing one of the treats. "I just covered all of them in drool." He snickered seeing the green faces of his so called brothers and sissies.

He ditched one into the tea. His brow twitched as the cookie crumbled away right through his fingers.

"...fuck."

* * *

Reopening the door to the toilet Ichigo was glad he just emptied his bladder because the very next moment – out of nowhere – Grimmjow stood in front of him, giving him a crazy look.

"_Cookie._"

He didn't know that such an innocent word would give him the creeps.

* * *

"—the one with jam, god damn it! Gimme!" Nnoitra smacked one hand away – he didn't care whose.

"Make sure you leave the chocolate chip cookies for me," Aizen smiled, and started grinning when Ulquiorra shoved them obedient to the boss.

"Aw, no fair, boss!" Zommari almost pouted. "They're the best!"

"That's why they're mine," he chuckled.

"Oi! Nnoi, stop storing the cookies in your fuckin' hole!"

Grimmjow sat resignedly in his chair and left the room after that – without being able to eat one at all.

* * *

Despite the bags under his eyes and the increasing ill feeling whenever he saw a cookie, Ichigo stood in the kitchen – in the middle of the night – baking. Wearing simple pajama pants and an apron, he should feel silly for doing so, but he achieved a dangerous indifference to his appearance. Shit, was he tired.

Hearing approaching footsteps from outside, he sighed while he got out of the oven the next plate. He turned around and stopped dead in his tracks when there didn't stand Grimmjow – as assumed – but Renji looking slightly irritated at the sight greeting him.

"Ichigo, what the hell—" He cut himself off, looking over the dozens of packs of cookies. "I know you're addicted to sweet and chocolate and all that crap, but honestly, you're exaggerating things, aren't you?"

"They're not for me," Ichigo sighed again, rubbing his temple and smearing successfully fresh dough across it.

Crossing his arms, Renji snorted. "Riiight," he chuckled not believing a word. "Who else would you bake something for, you lazy bum?"

"Oi, Ichi! You're ready or what!" an angry voice bloomed from the entrance and seconds after, a pissed off Grimmjow stood in the door, seeming unfazed by the presence of the other shinigami. "Get going, I haven't all day!"

Renji stood flabbergasted beside the two.

"Shut up. It's past frickin' midnight. You'll wake the whole neighborhood!" Ichigo muttered stuffing the already cooled cookies into cute little plastic bags with little hearts and stars covering it (Yuzu insisted).

"You think these tiny crumbles will make it! Ichi! The others inhale them as if they're got a hole in their stomach!"

Renji snorted at the terrible pun, but choked, when a sharp blade was pressed to his throat.

"And you? Here for them as well?"

"Grimm," Ichigo pulled the threatening blade from Renji's throat. "Not everybody got an one-tracked mind, you know?"

The Arrancar grumbled, slumping into a chair, and started eating some deformed cookies, ditching them into an already made tea.

"Ichigo?" Renji said meekly. "That's not the first time?"

Leaning heavily into the counter, Ichigo shook his head sadly.

"And the thought never occurred to you to poison one of those damn things?"

Grimmjow choked mid-bit, looking warily.

Ichigo's shoulders slumped. "As if I haven't tried that. Last time, I put a fair amount of laxative in the delivery. Seeing Grimmjow's all fine and asking for more, I doubt it worked."

The next burst of laughter shocked both shinigami turning their heads to to origin. Grimmjow laid face down on the table, slapping a fist on it.

"Great! Absolutely great!" he laughed – sounding close to maniacal. "I didn't know I would be so relieved not getting a single cookie the last time!"

End.

Food for thought: wasn't there a lack of water down in ol' Hueco Mundo? Maybe they can (ab)use the tea for flushing...

(I just found the term of "tossing one's cookie" ...that's quite literally. Just out of the other exit...)


End file.
